A Beginners Lesson in Mexican Strip Clubs
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Mexican strip clubs are like a powerful drug. They can be so enjoyable they're addictive. It's also possible to have an awful experience. The difference is usually simple information, understanding what power you have and don't have. Hopefully, this page will be all you need. Pay attention to your teacher at the left.
To begin with, prostitution is legal in Mexico, but drugs aren't. You may have read about a little narco-trafficing problem they are having in Mexico. They take this problem very seriously. PV may have pretty hotels, but Mexican jails are as bad as you've heard. You will be arrested and punishments are severe. The risk isn't worth it. Stick with cerveza, tequila and pussy, which are all legal and in abundant supply.
The first thing you need to decide is what level of strip club you're looking for. Puerto Vallarta is a little like Monterrey. You have strip clubs for people with a budget, and then you have the strip clubs for people who aren't afraid of dropping $1,000 or more.....much more. (That's $1,000 USD, or roughly $12,000 pesos depending on the exchange rate.) Other than the money, you ask, what's the difference? The expensive clubs are for Gringos. They'll speak a little English. There are more affordable clubs that the Mexicans go to. If you're a gringo, Canadian or European and you've never been to a Mexican strip club before, you'll probably operate on sensory overload no matter where you go.
The biggest difference in any Mexican strip club is that you'll really be in Mexico. This means they primarily speak Spanish and the currency is primarily pesos. You can speak English and use foreign currency, but they'll screw you however they can, including the exchange rate. Don't use your credit card. It's customary in Mexican strip clubs to pad the bill outrageously with things you didn't order. You'll have no recourse. The police are paid by the club, not by you. It's a humbling experience. If you get loud and angry, it can become dangerous very quickly. Stay calm, and ask a lot of questions, the most important is "cuanto es?" "How much is it?" Pay in cash. Go to the bank first and get a shitload (technical international monetary term) of small bills; $20, $50, $100 and $200. Pay as you go. If you run a tab, expect to be overcharged a minimum of 10%. Don't be surprised if they demand double what you really owe. (Do you really want to drink for 4 hours and then argue the bill with a waiter who suddenly doesn't understand a word of English, with a surly bouncer standing behind him?) This might be a good time to mention to leave your Rolex and diamond pinky ring in the hotel safe.
The most likely negative outcome is being overcharged. Your chances of getting robbed or being the victim of violence are greater in the U.S. than in Mexico.
After you've selected your club and arrive at the door, immediately tip the main bouncer $100 pesos as you go in (about $7.50 USD) and ask him to look out for you. Do the same when you are seated at the table with your waiter. Ask him a question or two if you need to. Which girl is least predatory? Where are the best tables? Who speaks the best English? Tell him you're new, and ask him for his assistance. Be humble. All that acting like a Big Shot is going to do is make your bill larger and create an adversTimes New Roman relationship. $200 pesos in early tips (about $15 USD) and a good attitude will help turn this into an amazing life experience, even without knowing exactly what's going on.
They make money differently in Mexican strip clubs. The primary difference is prostitution. Yes, the girls want to have sex with you. They are all hookers. More on that in a minute. Like the U.S. and Canada, the girls circulate and make themselves available. If you want a particular girl, ask your waiter to send her to your table. Once she's introduced herself, she'll either want you to buy her a drink, offer a table dance or both. Drinks and dancing are foreplay. The girls and the club make more money by getting you to buy overpriced drinks. (Remember, ask "cuanto es?") If you don't ask the cost, they will charge you what they think you will pay. The game is that the girl will gulp the watered down drink and ask for another. They're all like children, in the sense that they will get away with whatever you let them. Your drink may cost $80 pesos, but the drink you buy for the senorita will be at least double that, and maybe much more. All the drink gets you is a little of her time, but very little. The better value is the table dance. (What do you really want to talk with some Mexican hooker about?) Dances and drinks usually cost the same.
Forget the "don't touch" rules in the U.S. The girls want you to touch and caress them. They'll grind against you and rub your cock like a horny prom date. Her goal is to get you in the back room so she can blow you. Her passion is not necessarily an act. She might actually be as hot as she seems. This is what turns tourist into mongers. Many Mexican girls love their work.
The real strip club money is in Privados, or "privates". Most Mexican strip clubs have little rooms the size of large closets in the back. The real action is there. There are first class clubs that are like Vegas luxury suites, with jacuzzis and nice furniture. However, most are small and dark, with a chair or small couch. You pay a fee to the bar and the girl. That gets you a few minutes (15 minutes is average), usually for a blowjob. Dances are auditions for sex. Choose who you want, but experience says to pick the girl who you get along with best, not the one with the prettiest face or the biggest tits. If she's not enthusiastic about dancing for you, it's not going to get better later.
Once you've selected your girl, You need to negotiate before money changes hands. If your girl doesn't speak English, get your waiter to help you. That's his job. Think of it as a restaurant, and you are ordering a meal. It's the business they are in. You're the consumer. If it's crowded, they'll want you to decide quickly. If it's a slow night, you'll have a little more time. Either way, if you're unsure, it's OK to say "no, gracias" and think about it. They are masters at these transactions. They won't rob you. You can say "no ahora" (not now) without consequence. The big questions are
1) how much for the house?
2) how much for the girl? (You need to make sure to get one price that covers everything.)
3) how long? sometimes they measure in songs, but the average time is 15 minutes.
4) what sex acts? (Strictly a blowjob? Covered or uncovered? Do you want vaginal sex? Kissing? It's not romantic, but you need to ask if you want to know what you're getting.)
After, tip the girl. If she was awful, give her $20 pesos. (About $1.40 USD.) That amount is kind of an insult, but says you have class and she doesn't. 25% of the bill (let's say $400 pesos) is a good tip, and shows your appreciation for a job well done. It's a significant amount of money in Mexico. Don't be surprised if she wants a date outside the club, and don't assume it's 100% business. If you were polite, fun and generous, the attraction may be genuine. Of course, she'll want money for her time, ("my mother is very sick") but she may be equally interested in being with you.
All of this can be overwhelming. Relax. It's Mexico. It's all legal, by their laws. You're on vacation, and there are pretty girls competing to get you alone so they can bring you to orgasm. Once you learn how it works, you can go anywhere in Mexico, drink for hours, have beautiful senoritas dance for you, and get laid for less than $150 USD. It's a system worth learning.
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